How Do You Define Yourself?

"We're shutting down the office."

And with those words I found myself out of work for the first time since my daughter was born. When I talk with people I know about the office closing, I've had a couple of them make comments that I shouldn't have left my position with a government agency to take the job in the tiny remote office. Government jobs are typically much more stable. I probably could have stayed there until retirement, but I wanted to work somewhere that I could make a difference. I wanted the energy and adventure of the tiny office and they delivered.

As things were winding down in the office, I was thinking about that government job. Specifically my mind kept coming back to a couple of conversations from years ago that I had with the fellow in HR. One day he challenged me to make a list of the ways I define myself. Am I a worker, a wife, a mother, etc? I went away, thought it through and came back with my list. When we sat down to discuss my list, he asked why I had my career at the top of the list. Was I defining myself first by my job? He pointed out that it can be dangerous to define yourself by your job because when things happen, such as a reorg to a new role or losing that job, then you lose that part of your identity. That makes those types of changes harder. The other danger in defining yourself by your job is that you are limiting yourself to that definition, so it can be difficult to branch out to new opportunities.

We worked through each of the items on my list and chatted about why I would define myself like that. When we got through the top 5, he pointed out that one of my most important roles - that of me as an individual - wasn't on the list at all. He asked me if I thought that I could be the best possible version of myself if the first item on that list wasn't about me as a living, breathing person with my own hopes and dreams. His point was that I was doing a disservice to the other roles that were important in my life by not being the best version of myself.  It was quite the aha moment.

It's like when they tell you in the airline safety briefing, put on your own mask before assisting others. I had forgotten that I even had a mask. The first step to changing my definition was to identify those moments where I was forgetting to put my mask on first and modify the behaviour. I started to pay closer attention for those opportunities to put me as the individual first where I wouldn't have done so before. Today my list of how I define myself is quite different from the one I wrote all those years ago.

Over the years, I've noticed the same behaviours in others. Those moments when it seems like they are defining themselves as something else first, always take me back to this conversation and my journey since then. So I pose the same question to them - how do you define yourself?

Taking the Plunge... Literally

          

I am not a strong swimmer. To be honest, I swim like a rock and being in the water makes me uncomfortable. My daughter swims like a fish; she loves being in the water and jumping in the deep end of the pool. Earlier this summer we were at the pool together I noticed that my daughter  splashed around in the shallow area with me and didn’t go into the deep end or jump off of the diving board. When I asked her why, she told me that she knew I didn’t like doing those things and she wanted to stay with me. That was when I realized that my fear was holding her back and I decided that it was time to face my fear of the water.

The local pool offers a swimming class for adults called Scared Stiff. That seemed like a good place to start. The instructor was calm and patient with everyone in the class. She started us off with everyone sharing with the group why they were taking Scared Stiff lessons. This created a lasting connection between the students. The students were all very supportive of each other. We cheered when someone put their face in the water even if they came up sputtering or tried floating on their own. We encouraged each other to continue facing our fears and learning new skills. By the end of the session, the majority of the students were planning to continue with lessons.

When Scared Stiff ended, I signed up for another set of lessons. The instructor this time around was not as patient with the students that needed help. She started the class off with asking each person one on one about their goal for the session. The class was split in two based on ability. Most of the students were focused on their own needs. More than half of the class struggled and a couple of people stopped coming to lessons entirely.

The difference between the two classes got me thinking about the importance of creating the right kind of environment for learning. People are more likely to succeed in an environment where they feel connected to each other; they can try, fail and try again; they are supported and encouraged to step out of their comfort zones; and the effort is celebrated, not just the results.

While I am far from swimming like a fish, I am not as scared as I was before. Recently I took another step forward in facing this fear and jumped into a 25ft deep pool in a sunken lava tube. The water was dark and murky and it took way too long to get back to the surface. It was a terrifying experience, but I did it and when I saw a couple of my Scared Stiff buddies back at the pool I couldn’t wait to share with them.

Thoughts on Change

Change. That one little word can bring excitement to some, but for most of us, change brings along a sense of dread. What causes us to fear change so much? I’ve been thinking about change a lot lately and why these feelings come up time and again.

When I was growing up we moved a lot. Every couple of years I was starting over in a new place; I was leaving behind everything and everyone that I knew. That’s what change meant – nothing stayed the same. Change was a constant. It was so constant that it didn’t matter how I reacted to any change because by the time I adapted, the next change came. Eventually every little change brought on the same earth-shattering, core shaking feelings as the big ones. Different school? The sky fell. A new coach? The world ended.

As I got older, stability and routine became the most important things in my life. I stayed in jobs and maintained personal and professional relationships with people that made me miserable. It was more important that things stayed the same because the thought of change was terrifying. Even though I was avoiding changes in my life, every couple of years I would get the urge to move and start again. In a way, that was a part of my routine. I didn’t know how to cope with small changes; so the only option I could see was to leave everything behind and start over.

So what changed?  For starters I stopped moving as often. Resisting the urge to leave everything behind and start fresh meant that I had to adapt. I had to learn how to deal with change in a new way. For the first time there were people who knew me for more than a year or two. I had to learn how to maintain relationships and let them run their course. I had to find the opportunity in the changes and not focus so much on what might be lost.

Change is still hard. I don’t think it will ever be easy, but I am working on it. Right now I’m contemplating a significant change and while the same old feelings of fear are there, this time there’s a new feeling with it. Hope.