The New Normal

The last few weeks have been weird. Not having to get up and go to the office is so strange. Right now I have the time to do all of those things that get pushed off. I can do yoga or run every day, finish crafting projects, bake and clean and be more involved with my daughter's activities. Some days it is harder than others to stay motivated. It would be easy to get up in the morning, flop down on the couch and spend the day playing mindless games or binge watching tv. Then when I am back to work again I would look back on this break as wasted time.

Like most people, I like having a routine to stay focused and motivated. My new routine is starting to take shape. Getting up at 5:30 and to be in the office by 7 is replaced with sleeping until 7 and having breakfast with my daughter before taking her to the school bus. Morning standups are replaced with morning walks. Meeting time is now cleaning or crafting time.

This new normal still needs some tweaking, but so far I am better rested, less stressed and more engaged with my little family. My to do list of projects is shrinking - I've finished 2 toques, 2 scarves and a blanket.  Next up is a sweater and vacation scrapbooks. I've baked my Christmas cookies and made cupcakes for school. My reading list is both growing and shrinking.. mostly growing right now, but that should change soon. I've also made it to every soccer game and practice and to piano and swimming too.

The challenge will be in not letting these things get pushed off as much again when the next routine is made, but for now I am determined to take advantage of this opportunity.. this gift of my time.

Hygge Time

The first snow of the winter is falling, the clocks fell back and the sun is around less and less. The season of seasonal affective disorder is on us. Canadian winters are long, cold and dark. It can be difficult to stay positive when the gloomy weather sets in for the better part of the next 6 months.

Many other places, such as the Scandinavian countries, have rough winters. Denmark is regularly near the top of the happiest places to live - ranked first in 2013 and 2014 before slipping to third in 2015. The Danes have a way to combat the dreariness and that is through hygge (pronounced hooga).

Now the rough translation of hygge is coziness, but there is so much more to it. Think about the feeling you get when you cuddle up in a warm blanket by the fireplace with a mug of mulled juice and a good book.  Or when you get together with friends for a great meal where you can take your time to enjoy the food and each other's company. That's hygge.

It's about creating a social atmosphere and togetherness. Slow things downs for a bit. You can't rush hygge. Warm light from an abundance of candles or a fireplace sets the mood. Add in good food and good company. Let that feeling and the warmth soak in. That is what gets you through an extended winter with a smile on your face.

One example of hygge is the annual cookie baking day I host in November. Friends and family gather around my dining room table and to roll the cookie dough into little balls. The house is warm from all of the people and the ovens running all day. The scent of freshly baked cookies fills the air and lasts for days. Everyone is talking, laughing and enjoying our time together.  At the end of the day, each person leaves with a tin of cookies to enjoy over the holidays. It's something that we all look forward to when the weather starts to turn colder. It's a wonderful hygge time.

This year when the winter blues start to set in, add some hygge to your life. Light some candles, grab your coziest sweater and a cup of cocoa and take the time to enjoy it.

How Do You Define Yourself?

"We're shutting down the office."

And with those words I found myself out of work for the first time since my daughter was born. When I talk with people I know about the office closing, I've had a couple of them make comments that I shouldn't have left my position with a government agency to take the job in the tiny remote office. Government jobs are typically much more stable. I probably could have stayed there until retirement, but I wanted to work somewhere that I could make a difference. I wanted the energy and adventure of the tiny office and they delivered.

As things were winding down in the office, I was thinking about that government job. Specifically my mind kept coming back to a couple of conversations from years ago that I had with the fellow in HR. One day he challenged me to make a list of the ways I define myself. Am I a worker, a wife, a mother, etc? I went away, thought it through and came back with my list. When we sat down to discuss my list, he asked why I had my career at the top of the list. Was I defining myself first by my job? He pointed out that it can be dangerous to define yourself by your job because when things happen, such as a reorg to a new role or losing that job, then you lose that part of your identity. That makes those types of changes harder. The other danger in defining yourself by your job is that you are limiting yourself to that definition, so it can be difficult to branch out to new opportunities.

We worked through each of the items on my list and chatted about why I would define myself like that. When we got through the top 5, he pointed out that one of my most important roles - that of me as an individual - wasn't on the list at all. He asked me if I thought that I could be the best possible version of myself if the first item on that list wasn't about me as a living, breathing person with my own hopes and dreams. His point was that I was doing a disservice to the other roles that were important in my life by not being the best version of myself.  It was quite the aha moment.

It's like when they tell you in the airline safety briefing, put on your own mask before assisting others. I had forgotten that I even had a mask. The first step to changing my definition was to identify those moments where I was forgetting to put my mask on first and modify the behaviour. I started to pay closer attention for those opportunities to put me as the individual first where I wouldn't have done so before. Today my list of how I define myself is quite different from the one I wrote all those years ago.

Over the years, I've noticed the same behaviours in others. Those moments when it seems like they are defining themselves as something else first, always take me back to this conversation and my journey since then. So I pose the same question to them - how do you define yourself?

Taking the Plunge... Literally

          

I am not a strong swimmer. To be honest, I swim like a rock and being in the water makes me uncomfortable. My daughter swims like a fish; she loves being in the water and jumping in the deep end of the pool. Earlier this summer we were at the pool together I noticed that my daughter  splashed around in the shallow area with me and didn’t go into the deep end or jump off of the diving board. When I asked her why, she told me that she knew I didn’t like doing those things and she wanted to stay with me. That was when I realized that my fear was holding her back and I decided that it was time to face my fear of the water.

The local pool offers a swimming class for adults called Scared Stiff. That seemed like a good place to start. The instructor was calm and patient with everyone in the class. She started us off with everyone sharing with the group why they were taking Scared Stiff lessons. This created a lasting connection between the students. The students were all very supportive of each other. We cheered when someone put their face in the water even if they came up sputtering or tried floating on their own. We encouraged each other to continue facing our fears and learning new skills. By the end of the session, the majority of the students were planning to continue with lessons.

When Scared Stiff ended, I signed up for another set of lessons. The instructor this time around was not as patient with the students that needed help. She started the class off with asking each person one on one about their goal for the session. The class was split in two based on ability. Most of the students were focused on their own needs. More than half of the class struggled and a couple of people stopped coming to lessons entirely.

The difference between the two classes got me thinking about the importance of creating the right kind of environment for learning. People are more likely to succeed in an environment where they feel connected to each other; they can try, fail and try again; they are supported and encouraged to step out of their comfort zones; and the effort is celebrated, not just the results.

While I am far from swimming like a fish, I am not as scared as I was before. Recently I took another step forward in facing this fear and jumped into a 25ft deep pool in a sunken lava tube. The water was dark and murky and it took way too long to get back to the surface. It was a terrifying experience, but I did it and when I saw a couple of my Scared Stiff buddies back at the pool I couldn’t wait to share with them.

Thoughts on Change

Change. That one little word can bring excitement to some, but for most of us, change brings along a sense of dread. What causes us to fear change so much? I’ve been thinking about change a lot lately and why these feelings come up time and again.

When I was growing up we moved a lot. Every couple of years I was starting over in a new place; I was leaving behind everything and everyone that I knew. That’s what change meant – nothing stayed the same. Change was a constant. It was so constant that it didn’t matter how I reacted to any change because by the time I adapted, the next change came. Eventually every little change brought on the same earth-shattering, core shaking feelings as the big ones. Different school? The sky fell. A new coach? The world ended.

As I got older, stability and routine became the most important things in my life. I stayed in jobs and maintained personal and professional relationships with people that made me miserable. It was more important that things stayed the same because the thought of change was terrifying. Even though I was avoiding changes in my life, every couple of years I would get the urge to move and start again. In a way, that was a part of my routine. I didn’t know how to cope with small changes; so the only option I could see was to leave everything behind and start over.

So what changed?  For starters I stopped moving as often. Resisting the urge to leave everything behind and start fresh meant that I had to adapt. I had to learn how to deal with change in a new way. For the first time there were people who knew me for more than a year or two. I had to learn how to maintain relationships and let them run their course. I had to find the opportunity in the changes and not focus so much on what might be lost.

Change is still hard. I don’t think it will ever be easy, but I am working on it. Right now I’m contemplating a significant change and while the same old feelings of fear are there, this time there’s a new feeling with it. Hope.